“What?”
Demian asked back in surprise.
“Did that also come out in your dream?”
Demian had comrades in the Tarragon Empire. Outlaws without nationality or affiliation. They were warriors who met on the battlefield and followed Demian as if he were a King. Demian seemed quite surprised that Lara knew such a thing. Believing that Lara’s past was her dream, his shock was even greater.
Lara hesitated. She had decided not to tell him about her past life, but it was a mistake. Besides, she did not know what to say when he asked her back like that, and above all, Demian treated Demian Rhode Drake, whom Lara met in her past, as a non-existent person.
It was not necessary to make him understand. Lara admitted that it was her karma that she had to embrace her past alone. She had no intention of using the information from her past to control others’ lives.
“I’m sorry. I said something wrong. I have decided not to talk about that anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because you don’t like it.”
“Lara.”
“I’m not angry because you don’t believe me. If I were in your shoes, I would also think I’m crazy. And I don’t want to make you disobey the orders from Crown Prince Acerus just to make you stay here. That’s the very thing that has nothing to do with me.”
“Do you mean it?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It’s important. There is nothing more important than that in this world.”
“Not for me.”
Sincerity was only beautiful in fairy tales with a happy ending.
“You have too much on your mind.”
Demian muttered. They once had a conversation similar to this. Lara looked at Demian’s side profile, who was standing next to her while sweeping his hair up with one hand. She recalled what happened in her past life.
‘When was it again?’
It was when Demian, who came back after winning the umpteenth fight, came to find Lara. He said he wanted to meet Lara specifically, not Prince Sidhar.
Lara, who was the fake saintess, could not do anything without the Prince’s permission. She could neither meet anyone nor could she go out alone. So she thought about declining his request, but she left her room out of curiosity.
“You’re here.”
There was armor, a huge sword stained with blood and flesh, and a battle slave smeared with wounds and blood. It was Demian.
In spite of herself, Lara retreated a couple of steps from him.
“Lara.”
“You shouldn’t call a saintess’ name like that.”
“God wouldn’t be that narrow-minded.”
I heard he is a slave, but this man is so confident.
Lara was amazed by Demian. She wanted to know about him. He looked messy and terrible, but he had a strange heart-beating charm.
“Lara, how long are you planning on staying in Hautean?”
“I’m Hautean’s saintess. I will be the Princess Consort soon. I will never leave this country.”
“Do you mean it?”
She was about to say yes, but something else came out of her mouth.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Even then, Demian looked at her and said.
“It’s important. There is nothing more important than that in this world.”
What did I say then?
She thought she said something along the lines of that was for you, not me. A puppet was not allowed to be free. It was Demian who was in the prison, and Lara was the one outside. But she always thought she was the one who was trapped.
After reminiscing, Lara murmured with a bitter face.
“You are always like that. You keep telling me to say something that I don’t want to and forbid me from saying something that I want to.”
“What?”
“I have always been frustrated because I can’t figure out what you’re thinking. I wanted to ask you why you didn’t leave me…”
A cool breeze blew. The weather was not very cold, but the strong wind reduced the body temperature. As she got goosebumps on her forearms, Lara shrank slightly.
Demian did not say anything for a while. Not knowing what he was thinking, there was no expression on his face that was looking at Lara. Then, he spoke in a low suppressed voice.
“Lara, I’m not the Demian that you knew.”
His voice was firm.
“When you look at me, don’t look at the Demian in your dreams.”
“Demian.”
“I know the dream feels realistic enough to dominate your head and I know you loved him… But remember that has nothing to do with me who is in front of you now.”
“What do you mean love? It’s not like that.”
Lara raised her head. Her scarlet eyes penetrated Demian’s eyes. As if she had heard something wrong, Lara shook her head and quickly continued.
“How can I be so bold as to love you, I mean, him… It’s not like that. I told you, I felt guilty. I want to make atonement for my mistakes… That’s also why you were angry the other day.”
“Lara.”
Demian reached out and cupped Lara’s cheeks. His palm was rough and cold.
“Just because the man in your dream has the same name and look as me, he and I cannot be the same person.”
His face was unfamiliar.
“Because the time, memory, and emotion we have are different. The time that you spent with him is not with me. How you fell in love with him also is not related to me.”
“Demian.”
“What you said to him, your gaze, your promise… Your desire to make atonement for everything when you meet again, all of it is not mine. You didn’t do anything wrong to me and I didn’t sacrifice anything for you.”
He looked terribly bitter. He was like a beast who hid his wounds and stepped back.
“You miss him.”
No, I didn’t.
Lara wanted to say that, but her voice did not come out. She slowly took a deep breath, feeling that Demian’s palm, which had touched her cheek, was getting lukewarm little by little.
‘I miss him?’
Demian Rhode Drake?
“No way.”
She loved Prince Sidhar. It was a long one-sided love. As she grew her delusions alone, she blindly chased the Prince’s shadow without knowing that the bait-like love he threw at her was a lie.
But she did her best. She tried to do whatever the Prince told her to do and to do whatever he wanted. Not knowing that she was quickly withering away, she gave everything away.
“That can’t be. It’s a shameful memory, but I loved the Prince then.”
Lara held Demian’s hand with one hand. Then she took his hand off her cheek and lowered it down.
Demian said again.
“Then, think of me as Demian in your dream and think about what you want to say the most right now.”
Demian’s voice was magical. It penetrated her heart, not her ears. Lara, who nodded slowly, quickly blinked her eyes.
“If you were him…”
She was speechless again. You could just say sorry or ask for forgiveness, but somehow she could not say anything. She felt pressure on her chest making her feel suffocated.
The mighty warrior of the saintess, Demian.
She had done him a great wrong. As he listened to whatever she said, she was triumphant and ruled his mind like a King. She found the utmost sincerity and devotion that she could not receive from the Prince. At that time, she was terribly satisfied with the fake status as a saintess for the first time. Because she could own him.
“I…”
Demian’s voice sank heavily in Lara’s ears.
“Are you sure this is all about guilt?”
It felt like he had poured cold water on her chest. Lara bit her parched lips and struggled to remove the hand he had caught.
“Are you sure you wanted to say that you don’t hate him and that it bothered you the whole time?”
No.
That was not it.
“I bet you wanted to say that you love him and that you wanted to beg him not to leave.”
“Stop it!”
Lara shouted. She loved Prince Sidhar. She had wanted him for a long time. However, her love slowly faded away after realizing the Prince’s true nature and was abandoned soon. Lara could not admit that fact for a while. She could not even leave the Prince’s side because she could not forgive herself for choosing Prince Sidhar while hurting her mother and many others around her. She endured and endured even though there was only obsession and hatred left.
At that time, her heart was already looking at someone else. She mistook it for longing, wrapped it up as sympathy, and deceived herself to think it was a sense of guilt. When she had actually fallen in love with Demian.
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