Some truths couldn’t be swallowed no matter how hard you tried.
“I don’t hate you.” Evelyn said.
Fabian’s eyes shook as he stared at Evelyn’s trembling lips.
“And Your Majesty now has done nothing wrong to me……you never did.”
Two years had passed since Evelyn left Fabian at the age of twenty. He was a very busy husband, and he was terrible at showing his emotions, but that’s all.
“Then, why?” Fabian looked at Evelyn with sore eyes. But Evelyn couldn’t tell him, because that misfortune hadn’t happened in her life yet. “What has made us like this? He asked with a voice filled with emptiness.
“Your Majesty, It’s all over now.”
“It’s not over yet. It’s a painful thing that’s constantly repeated for me now.”
“Still.. …you promised.” Evelyn tried to shake off his hand, but Fabian held her wrist tighter. “Even if Your Majesty knows the reason, our future won’t change.”
Fabian ended up saying it out loud, laughing, “I thought so. That’s why, I said I was wrong. “When he felt that Evelyn’s love for him had completely disappeared, he witnessed the truth.
“The child’s eyes were full of love. When you begged me to save him, you was so desperate that you felt like dying.”
“That’s…”
“You love him, my child.” he said.
Evelyn’s heart dropped with a thump.
“You used to look at me like that child.”
She thought she would be fine now. Evelyn thought that her feelings became dull, and her love had faded.
“Isn’t he the child we’ve got because of love?”
When she became a mother, Evelyn thought that her woman’s heart would disappear.
“At least, he exists because you once loved me …… Isn’t he that child?”
Evelyn always thought Fabian was a strong man. She felt that he could forget everything because being in pain wasn’t his job. Sadness was something that only Evelyn could swallow. She felt that her misfortunes and sorrows were all her own.
But, Evelyn was wrong.
“Now I have nothing left to give up. Can’t you be honest with me for a while?” Fabian caught Evelyn’s tired look. He had been patient with it so far and had endured it well. But as soon as he saw her face turned so pale, Fabian was overwhelmed with emotion.
“We’ve been through a lot of hardships.”
Fabian said “we.”
“Even though our reason might be different, the hearts will be the same.” His hands gently covered the back of Evelyn’s hand. It was the same touch as when they first met, and it was as hot as being embraced in his arms.
Evelyn couldn’t bear it, and she kept crying. “You still say….. we?” If Fabian spoke to her so kindly like this in her previous life, Evelyn wouldn’t have made this choice. No, if the one in front of her right now was Fabian of the past, then she could hate him.
“It’s because it’s ‘we’. It’s hard for each other….don’t you think?”
Evelyn had a complicated mind now. She felt so confused. Which was the real Fabian? If this was his true self, why did Evelyn lose her child twice, get sick and die at 30?
“I can’t help it. I won’t change my mind. Once tied up together by a relationship, I couldn’t be with anyone else…….What about you?”
“……Yes?”
“Don’t you always have a hard time looking back at the past?”
The undeniable words pierced Evelyn’s heart. She couldn’t disagree with him. Fabian clearly saw Evelyn’s eyes trembling at that moment.
“Have we been honest with each other until this moment, even once, since we broke up under the golden wood tree? ….. I don’t remember that.”
“Divorce has no future,” she said.
“I’m talking about now. Every moment we’re living and seeing each other. It exists no matter what you say.” Fabian told her. It was also at this very moment. Evelyn, trapped in the past, didn’t want to admit it, but the two had come this far.
“Now, just as our child exists. I’ve changed. Just as you’ve changed, Evelyn. It wasn’t a short time.”
The promise to keep a secret didn’t work between the two. Fabian already knew, so Evelyn couldn’t go back. And indeed everything that Evelyn remembered had changed from the previous life.
“Your Majesty, I can’t give you anything or any answer.”
Fabian slowly closed his eyes, “But you still don’t resist me. That’s enough for me.”
Evelyn avoided his gaze in embarrassment. As if he didn’t care, Fabian leaned his head back on Evelyn’s lap like what he always did in the past, when he spent time alone at the Empress’s residence. “Just for a moment, let me stay like this.” Fabian’s voice seemed so tired that she couldn’t push him away. As he said, they already had a hard time.
“Some things don’t change.” His voice rang softly. Only Evelyn’s body scent and warmth didn’t change. Just her awkward movements and her thin body that hurt his heart. “I … … have I changed a lot?” asked Fabian.
“Yes.” Evelyn answered him in silence. Fabian had changed a lot since they met again after the divorce. He did something that Evelyn couldn’t have imagined before, and he no longer hid his feelings. It was all enough to say that the present Fabian was a different person.
“Yes…..” Fabian responded in a low voice. A gentle night wind blew, passing through his tired and scattered hair. “You too…..” With his head still buried, Fabian stretched out his hand and touched Evelyn’s cheek. Then, he put his hand on her head. It was the same old habit.” Alone… …you must have a hard time.”
He was jealous of Evelyn’s bright smile. Fabian hated her because she looked radiant and happy.
“You alone … have raised my child so well.”
Fabian’s heartfelt words made Evelyn tearful.
“You must be struggled a lot while did it by yourself.”
Evelyn shook her head, “I wasn’t alone.” If she were really alone, she wouldn’t have been able to come this far. Apart from Fabian’s pain, the time she gave birth and raised Adrian was full of happiness.
“I was happy to have Adrian. I mean it.”
“Even though you’ve become so thin?” Fabian raised his head and looked at Evelyn. For a moment, he felt a little annoyed with Adrian when he saw Evelyn was so thin. But Fabian actually knew it. That the biggest cause of Evelyn’s hardship was him.
“Is he more precious than your life?”
“Yes.”
Fabian smiled bitterly when she answered without hesitation. “That’s something I envy ……” It seemed that at some point, Fabian’s tough side seemed to be softened. It might be the affection of the past or similar warmth, that settled in this place.
“I will live for that child. I’ve already decided that way.” Evelyn said as calmly as she could. “So…..I can’t be by your side. I’m sorry.”
“I see…” Even though Fabian had heard it a thousand times, still, her rejection was so painful. There was a bitter taste in his mouth. It was a taste he had never known before.
“Your Majesty….are you going to take the child away from me?” Evelyn mustered up her courage to ask. She wanted to hear Fabian’s answer instead of always feeling scared and anxious.
“Why do you think like that?” he asked.
“That’s….. It’s Empire’s law.”
And because until now Fabian still hadn’t let go of Evelyn. There was no better bait than a child to capture Evelyn. How could a brilliant Emperor like Fabian miss such an opportunity?
“Evelyn…… you’re not good at lying.” Fabian stared at Evelyn, then gave a long sigh, “And…. Don’t make that face.” His low voice resonated like a calm consolation as his fierce atmosphere disappeared. “It’s like I’m tormenting you….. If I intended to take that child as a hostage to take you back, I have done it long ago.”
Again, the man in front of her was unfamiliar.
“If I wanted to take you by force, I wouldn’t have been waiting for two years, with or without a child.” Fabian laughed bitterly as she watched Evelyn blinked her eyes as if she couldn’t think of that.
“Why. Do you still see me as a bad guy?”
“No, I don’t mean that……”
Fabian took a deep breath. He had a lot of things to tell, but he couldn’t say it, so he just kept sighing as he was disappointed. “I’ve already accepted the reality that you’re unhappy with me, and that you don’t want to be with me.” He didn’t know why, but that was for sure. “Maybe, that’s my fault.”
Fabian’s heartless words made Evelyn’s heart broke.
“Maybe, marriage wasn’t right for me from the beginning. No, it’s not maybe but it’s will.” Only now did Fabian pour out his late feelings. “Looking back, my mother also used to say that she feels uncomfortable breathing when she’s beside the Emperor. You said that Imperial men are worse than stone floors. Even then I couldn’t understand what that meant.”
The Empress Dowager always disgusted when talking about her Emperor-husband. The reluctance expression on his mother’s face was so vivid that Fabian quickly realized that he wasn’t the fruit of their love.
“Perhaps, I had a side that caught your breath too.”
Evelyn also remembered the Empress Dowager. She was a nervous and cold woman. And she was a bad mother. Now, after she had a child, Evelyn could see it more clearly.
“No.”
Fabian’s eyes were shaken by her unexpected answer.
“It’s not.” It wasn’t a foolish regret. Evelyn just thought that some facts should never be blurred. “I’ve never minded Your Majesty. And I’ve never been reluctant to do it.”
She loved him. It was love at one time.
“Adrian was born on my wish.” Evelyn must not spoil that precious fact because such a mistake was irreversible. “He was a child that was born because of love. That fact doesn’t change.”
Fabian should have known that, as he found out the child’s existence.
“I know…..” His voice sounded relieved, “That child…. He’s happy.” Fabian never had such happiness. Now, he could understand Evelyn’s story in the garden of the Felice Kingdom. At that time, Evelyn asked about his childhood who grew up as the Emperor’s heir. And she looked at Fabian with sorrowful eyes.
“Evelyn…. Do you really think I won’t be able to protect that happiness?” Now Fabian started to put together Evelyn’s puzzle-like reasons little by little. As an Emperor, there was no such thing like incompetence. He wasn’t a man who couldn’t protect his own children.
“Your Majesty, it’s not your fault. But… …yes. Me and Adrian can’t be happy in the Imperial family.”
Fabian no longer answered. He only looked deeply at Evelyn and closed his eyes again, unable to hide his tiredness.
“But, isn’t it too much to not give me a chance.”
Evelyn lowered her head at his depressed voice. It was very unfair to Fabian right now, but both of them knew what it was like to grow up as heir to the Imperial family. Fabian never realized it was a misfortune, but it would be different for Adrian.
“Forgive me…. but the fact that you’re an Emperor remains unchanged.”
“So, what you said to me in the Felice garden was sincere.” he said.
Evelyn admitted her mistake. She wasn’t supposed to be an Empress. That was her fault.
Only
“So, that’s what you meant when you asked me for a divorce and would quit the Empress.” Whatever it was, Fabian was frustrated that he was late to realize it. If he had known Evelyn’s thoughts from the beginning, he wouldn’t have let her go this far.
“But, Isn’t it too mean to think and decide it on your own?”
“I know, but…….” Evelyn felt sad. “I know, but Your Majesty can’t quit.”
It was the only thing the Emperor couldn’t do. It was a law that the Imperial Emperor couldn’t abdicate until the end of his life. Once Fabian was crowned, he couldn’t live another life other than as an Emperor.
“If you’re so sorry, you should stay by my side.”
Evelyn smiled bitterly when she heard Fabian’s sad words.
It was time to end this position. As if he had an inkling about it, Fabian rose to his feet reluctantly. And the time they could stay by each other’s side was over.
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