Chapter 61
Translator: Kay
He squeezed his darkened eyes tightly and tried to speak calmly.
“…….You’re too close.”
I ignored his request to move away. I didn’t let go, but I didn’t cling to him either.
“Irene, listen to me.”
It was so close that I could see Felix’s face at a glance. His face contorted in pain and looked ever more excruciating as if he was being tempted by the devil at every moment.
It was blatant that countless delusions passed over the darkened gaze. The scattered breaths in the enclosed space were rough, hot, and fierce.
“I’m certain he was lusting for you.”
At that moment, the words that Benjamin had left to mess with me crossed my mind.
Bounded by Felix’s words of hurting me, I vaguely wondered whether he might have a desire to harm me.
Although that wasn’t what Benjamin meant, I kept reminding myself of other possibilities.
After all, I knew it was a completely ridiculous idea.
Or maybe, that was really what it was.
‘What if Felix was lusting for me? Would I hate it?’ I tried to ask myself.
‘Well……’
I never considered that he might look at me like that.
I couldn’t really imagine anything like that. But when I thought about the possibility of the hypothesis that maybe he was……
My face turned red, and I lowered my head.
Before considering if I would like or hate it, I wasn’t immune to this at all.
Just thinking about it made my heart burst, and I felt like I was going to die.
I was confused as to whether the pounding sound was coming from my chest or brain.
I couldn’t believe I reacted like this at this age. If I was graded on the subject of relationships with the opposite sex, I would be a poor student who ranked at the bottom.
I once asked Martina, “How do I know if I like someone?”
Then she taught me in a somewhat simple and primitive way that was easy for even a low-ranking student to understand.
“Imagine you are kissing that person.”
I responded with, “No, how is that the same as liking someone? That’s just a sexual desire.”
And Martina replied, “How can you like someone who you can’t even kiss properly?”
At that time, I thought it sounded like a valid point.
If you didn’t mind it at all, it meant that there was at least a possibility of liking that person one day.
So, perhaps.
‘O-oh, I don’t think I’ll hate it.’
Was that a good thing?
‘I don’t even know.’
Whether it was a relationship or love, I vaguely thought that someday I would experience it.
What more, even if I really was born without any love cells, at that time, I couldn’t really imagine it at all, and I had no interest in it.
But I never fathomed that it would become a reality in such a short time.
My mind turned blank at the unexpected ambush. I couldn’t comprehend how people all lived with such a complex thing.
Felix was my friend, and I thought I already rubber-stamped that decision in my head, but maybe that was not the case.
Considering a change in the relationship was more of a headache and more complicated than confronting the three useless brothers.
But, one thing was undeniable. Of all the few people of the opposite sex who passed by me, Felix was the first to make me feel this way.
When I recalled the horrible memories of when Cedric tried to kiss me, there was no doubt.
Any sense of refusal? Not at all.
He wasn’t creepy, horrible, detestable, or burdensome. I would probably be embarrassed, but I wouldn’t run away.
However, I couldn’t let go of Felix’s hem because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.
I knew that my current behavior was not a very good judgment, and I had no countermeasures at all.
“Why won’t you listen…….”
At that moment, Felix muttered in a low voice. As he swept up his bangs which were tangled in a cold sweat, his fine hair scattered and gently brushed the corners of his eyes.
From his eyes that had been previously hidden, it was clear that his patience was gradually fading.
Everyone would stumble, fall, make mistakes, and burn passionately if it was their first experience.
They would get hurt, and it would hurt a lot. Maybe that was why first love was hard to achieve.
I mean, I’d never experienced something like it before. I couldn’t even speak properly with the opposite sex, let alone date, so how could I imagine something like a physical relationship?
‘I don’t even know exactly how Felix feels about me In the first place!’
Wasn’t I just your pet?
I thought you just found me cute.
‘I will never know unless I ask.’
I was endlessly racking my brains about this topic that I had limited knowledge about, and Felix wouldn’t say a word about his desires. It was an eternal treadmill.
Sh-should I ask?
What should I ask?
‘Felix, is your persistent desire the kind where you want to kiss me or have a physical relationship with me?’ Should I ask that?
There was no way I could.
I couldn’t possibly endure such an embarrassing situation.
As soon as Felix heard that, he would respond calmly and say, ‘How can that be?’. That’s how I imagined it.
If that happened, I would be so embarrassed that I might jump out of the moving train due to the shame.
Felix politely asked my strangely stubborn self, “Irene, please don’t let me intimidate you by brute force.”
He seemed to be saying that if I didn’t stop holding his clothes like this, he was going to force himself to take the clothes off.
Our angel Felix was gentle even with threats.
I still didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew one thing for sure.
I didn’t want to let him go, and I didn’t want this relationship to remain like this for the rest of my life.
So I asked, “Why aren’t you taking responsibility?”
The fox told the little prince, “You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose.”
It was just one passage from a fairy tale, but I came to understand it more deeply after meeting Felix.
“You tamed me, so please take responsibility for it.”
“…….”
Felix seemed at a loss for words because I told him to take responsibility for treating me kindly.
Of course, taking responsibility like the little prince who died from the snake bite1 was the kind of responsibility that was neither pleasant nor appreciated.
I squeezed his hand tightly.
Felix lost the strength to resist. Whether it was because he thought I would get hurt if he moved recklessly, he stood still without even breathing.
Whenever our skin touched, his body flinched sensitively.
I grabbed his hand and put it on my head. I wondered how stupid I was acting, but it was the best I could do at the moment.
“Please pat me. Just as usual.”
“…….”
“I won’t break if you just touch like this.”
Even cookie dough2 wouldn’t break if you handled it with care.
I didn’t know what to do about this situation anymore, but I was confident that it’d work out somehow.
It was awkward and strange for me to be conscious of this change in perspective from before, but I didn’t hate it, so I had no choice but to get used to it and go as far as possible.
“Irene.”
“Yes?”
“If you don’t want to see me go insane, that’s enough.”
At one point, Felix must have reached the end of his impending patience.
As he lowered his head, a shadow hung over his face. Felix positioned his arm over my shoulder and towards the wall behind me.
At that moment, there was a bang.
Startled, I stiffened, my mouth falling open.
Turning my trembling eyes, I saw a solid wall crumble right next to my face.
It wasn’t that Felix couldn’t handle cookie dough with care. He personally showed that he could make a wall into cookie dough too.
I stared hopelessly at the wall that became dust and scattered in the air.
“Every compartment is well soundproofed. The wall is like this, but no one is coming. No matter what I do here, nobody would know. Isn’t that right?” Felix growled in a low voice.
At first, I was startled by his power, but now it felt like he was struggling to look intimidating somehow. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t scared.
‘Am I crazy?’
I wasn’t even afraid after he did that.
When Lucas looked down at me, the first thought that flickered through my mind was that he was a threat.
If I got hit by that hand, I’d surely die.
“You should be gentle.”
I spoke without a sense of crisis.
The fear of Felix never seeing me for the rest of his life was much stronger than the fear of death. I was selfish till the end.
‘Ah, I don’t know anymore. I hate us growing apart!’
“Haa…….”
Felix felt like he was really going crazy. He buried his face in one hand and breathed out as if he had reached the ends of the earth3 and then slowly raised his head.
“Do whatever you want. Because I lost.”
1. The Little Prince decided to take responsibility by returning to his beloved rose, but he didn’t know that by asking the snake for help to transport him home, a great price (i.e. his life) will be taken from him. If you want more info: https://www.enotes.com/homework-help/what-snake-little-prince-story-represent-87427↩
2. Cookie dough breaks/crumbles if you don’t add enough liquid i.e. milk, water, egg, or egg whites.↩
3. (To go) to the ends of the earth means to do all that one can in an attempt to achieve something. So if he “reached it” it means he tried everything he could.↩
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